Emotions

Tuesday I had to go to Sweetwater for a child support hearing with Alexis' dad, Jason. They haven't seen her since May 5, 2007! At her birthday party!!! And they've only called her three times in the past year. All three time have been in the past month and a half since he's been served with the papers saying we have court in April. Monday night when we were still at Girl Scouts Heather (Jason's girlfriend) called and said there was no way they could make it to the hearing the next day because their jeep is acting up and if I would give them a ride there. The last two times we've gone to Sweetwater for child support hearings I have given them rides. It hasn't been a big deal until now. They were making an effort to be involved in Alexis' life then, and I didn't mind taking them with me. Jason has only been in Alexis' life since June 2004. He dropped out of the picture for about 7 or 8 months after they met and started building a relationship. When they did decide they wanted to be a part of her life I told them that I wanted them to be a part of her life all the time and not just when it was convenient for them. That's not how it works when you have a child! And I totally understand how hard everything is for them. Jennifer would make all kinds of excuses for them and why I should be more understanding. And in the end I always was. They both agreed that they would stay involved with Alexis and apologized and I thought everything would be OK. Then after her birthday party last year they took her with them so she could stay the night. They brought her home Sunday evening and we never heard from them again until last month. I was furious with them! Jason figured out a way to go to Sweetwater at least twice a month when he was living in Dallas to see his son with another woman before they finally got Jayton to go live with them in Dallas. Granted Jayton needed them in his life way more than Alexis. His Mom was really into drugs and very abusive. Alexis doesn't have to deal with any of that thankfully. But twice a month at the LEAST they would figure out a way to go to Sweetwater from Dallas. And they couldn't call Alexis even once a month? And they live in Abilene! And I found out at the hearing that they have made more than one trip to Sweetwater to see Xavier. He's another child of his from a previous relationship. OK, so I'm really upset about all of this.

Well, when Heather called I told her I was at a Girl Scouts meeting and couldn't talk. I told her to call me back later. She never did. I went out to Sweetwater for the hearing and I saw that their vehicle was there. As soon as I walked in she got up and walked over to me and said she needed to talk to me outside. I was like OK, can I check in first? She just started talking! She kept saying she was sorry and that Jason had been in the hospital and he's having to take medication every day now and they've just really had a bad year. She said they've been evicted twice in the past year and have a $897.00 electric bill. And a couple of months ago she noticed a couple of bumps in her right breast, she has a doctors appointment to get it checked out but she's scared about it. And she doesn't have anyone but Jason so if he goes to jail she doesn't know what she'll do. She was crying and telling all this over and over again. I do feel bad for them! I know it's hard for them. They have 3 kids they're taking care of, and she doesn't work. He's supposed to be paying child support for Alexis, Xavier and for Jayton (even though Jayton lives with them, it's a big huge mess!). I don't want you to think I'm being heartless, but I'm not asking them for money! God has always taken care of us! I just want him to be in Alexis' life! A phone call a month would be OK with me. Is that so much to ask? She's an awesome kid.

So, Heather finally starts to calm down and she tries to hug me. I'm so not into hugging people. I'm OK with it if I'm used to you, but I wasn't really comfortable hugging her. She could tell I guess so she just kept talking and telling me the same stuff over and over. Finally she did hug me and we started walking back down the hall so we could wait to be called to the back. They were sitting right next to some people that I knew from when I used to live in Sweetwater. So I started talking to them until they went in.

After my friend went in I was sitting there doing my little sudoku game book that Jennifer gave me when I overheard Jason and Heather talking about this girl Tammy that was down at the other end of the hall. Tammy and I used to be friends before I moved to Abilene. Scott (Anoe's dad) and I had broken up because of his drug problem which is a whole other blog for another time! My grandma died a few weeks after we had broken up and the girls and I went up to Colorado for the funeral. While I was there I did a lot of thinking and decided that I didn't want Anoe to grow up away from her dad, so when we got back to Sweetwater I would talk to him and finally agree to try to work it out. Well when I got back, I found out that Tammy and Scott had been dating (for lack of a better word) and were now living together. I was only gone to Colorado for like a week! It's not like I left for 6 months or anything. So obviously Tammy and I aren't friends anymore. This last year at the BFW I finally was freed of all my anger towards them both. (*Believe me I know this sounds like some sort of trashy soap opera! But I'm so not that person anymore!*) Even though I was no longer angry about everything it was still awkward seeing her again.

My friend came out and sat back down beside me. Tammy walked by and stopped to talk to my friend then started talking to Jason and Heather. Misty, my friend, asked me if I was still mad or whatever about everything and I told her "No, I totally feel indifferent about the whole thing. God totally took away all those feelings last year!" Tammy was standing right there and I know she was listening to what we were saying but she didn't say anything to me. I'm not angry with her but I don't feel I need to try to be friends with her either.

OK, so back to Jason and the child support hearing. They finally called me back. Jason owes me like over $15,000 in back child support. He's paid a total of $723.01 in the past 10 years! The lady said that I could forgive him the $15,000 and start over fresh if I wanted to. The last time we were there, they said if he didn't start making regular payments he would have to go to jail. I asked her about his signing over his rights and what that would do. She said that I would have to hire an attorney, but that he wouldn't have to pay back the money he owes me. He would still have to pay back the State of Texas the $2,100 he owes them though. The lady called for Jason to come in. She told him exactly how much he owed and started asking all the usual questions about how much he makes, where he works, why he hasn't been paying. She told him that I was willing to forgive the full $15,000 if he would sign over his parental rights. He said and I quote "Yeah that's fine. I was thinking about that anyways." Believe me I know what a financial burden this is for them. But isn't she worth the freakin' fight? The lady said I could sign some papers and the back child support would be forgiven with out him signing over his rights. He said he didn't think he would be able to ever pay the full amount of $114.00 a month that he's ordered to pay.

I know what it's like to struggle! I do this on my own every flippin' day! Heather chooses not to work. If they're so broke why doesn't she get a part time job in the evening when Jason is home so he can watch the kids while she's at work? I'm trying to be sympathetic but they need to help themselves too! I know I'm the one that asked about it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I have so many emotions about this it's crazy. I'm mad because he won't be apart of her life, forget the money just have something to do with her. The park is free! He could just take her there, I know he takes his other kids there. I'm sad because he already had it in his mind that this is what he wanted before we even mentioned it. And I'm happy because I know this is relieving so much pressure off of them, and this is a blessing for them! And I'm mad because Heather is the one that keeps apologizing. Why can't Jason be a man and apologize? He's the one that has the responsibility to Alexis, not Heather.

After the hearing my Mom and Symantha showed up at the Courthouse. I was supposed to go over to their house when I was done, but my Mom said that she felt that she was supposed to come up there to see me. I'm really glad she did! I probably would of just come straight back to Abilene instead of going to see her. She let me cry and took me out to eat for lunch. I had a 1:15 appointment with an attorney to see what I needed to do to start the process of him relinquishing his paternal rights. The lawyer was really nice and took a bunch of notes. He said it's going to cost $1,400 to $1,800 to do this as long as Jason doesn't fight anything. Wednesday morning I faxed over the last Child Support Order I had from February 2007. So in 4-6 weeks this whole process will be done.

Tuesday night the girls and I had to go to the grocery store to get some basic stuff. While we were there I decided that I wanted some ice cream. I thought "Heck with the diet! I need something to comfort me!" We walked towards the ice cream aisle and I decided that I was not going to give in to my flesh. But then what's the next thing I see? Limited Edition Girl Scout Thin Mind Ice Cream! Only my favorite Girl Scout cookie mixed with ice cream! I ended up not getting the ice cream, but I did stop and stare it for awhile.

Yesterday (Wednesday) was really hard for me. I just have so many conflicting emotions right now. I keeping praying about everything and I just can't stop feeling so depressed! When I talked to Ms. Judy about it she said that I need to grieve. This is kind of like a death that I need to grieve. I've decided not to tell Alexis what we're doing. I told him he could still see her if he wanted to. I know one day I'll have to tell her, but hopefully not anytime soon. I don't want her to ever feel unloved or that he didn't want her.

Last night when I was praying for peace, I realized that I should be praying for Jason and his family. If this is hard for me, I can't even imagine what it's like for them. I have also decided that I'm going to go over there one day next week when I have some free time to talk to them. I want to invite them to church. They need God in their lives a lot right now. I know this is what God wants me to do, but I need to be able to go over there and not be angry with them or break down and cry. I cried the entire 15 minutes that I was tanning yesterday. Being at church last night to invite people to our church on the 27th really helped though. So many people were requesting prayers for cancer and it made me think about everything. These people are praying to live! And I'm whining because Jason wants to sign over his rights. What the heck is wrong with me? Today has been a lot better, but I don't think I'm ready to face them yet. If you think about it, please pray for Jason and his family!